Don't Mess With A Man's Alcohol
by SHEERINSANITY
Summary: All he wanted was to have a nice drink in peace, but no. He can't even attack because of these Gods-damned aliens. Well, fuck you Aliens!


You know, in a world where gods and goddesses from ancient antiquity exist, being a part of that world would come with a lot of benefits and powers. And being a demigod, the son of a mortal and a god or goddess, there usually were. Unfortunately, the black haired teenager sitting at the bar couldn't appreciate any of those benefits since he was stewing on one of the many disadvantages. That being the virtual impossibility to get drunk. He had only ever gotten drunk once, and that was after he had drunk three barrels of Dionysius' special reserve whiskey. While he was the best at wine, all his spirits were top shelf and his special reserve stuff was strong enough to kill a blue whale with one shot. It took three barrels to get him drunk. Suffice to say, Dionysius swore never to let him into his stores again.

So, instead, he just spent his time drinking fruitlessly and wasting his days away. It wasn't like there was anything better for him to do. It wasn't like aliens were going to invade New York or anything fun like that. Just then, a figure appeared in the bar stool next to him. He meant appeared since the man literally grew from the shadows. The drinking ravenette scowled, "Forget it, Nico. I am never going back there." The now identified Nico sighed and motioned for the bartender to get him a drink, the mist was useful in that it allowed them to drink without being carded. Anyway, Nico was technically like 80 by now so he should be allowed to drink. Rubbing the bridge of his nose tiredly, Nico whispered, "Everybody at camp misses you, Percy. Come home."

Percy scoffed, "Yeah, I can imagine one certain blonde know it all that _really_ misses me. Tell her and Chiron to fuck off and leave me alone. I am done." Nico swallowed his retort and tried to remain calm, "Percy, you have to snap out of this! This isn't you!" Percy grabbed the bottle of scotch from the bartender angrily and took a gulp, "No, what you mean is that this isn't the me you want or remember. People change, DiAngelo, things change people. I didn't have the luxury of being unconscious when I went through Hell." Nico growled, "I have been there too! You can't just lord that over people!"

Percy rolled his eyes, "Sure I can. You were kept in a nice little jar and marched straight down the main road before being brought up, after going in of your own volition I might add. I wasn't given the Gold Card tour like you." Nico took a deep breath, "Percy, Annabeth misses you. She regrets what happened horribly. She hardly leaves her cabin now." Percy smiled vindictively, "Good. I hope she rots in the fields of punishment for all eternity." Nico scowled, "She told us what happened, Percy. It wasn't that bad." Percy began to shake, as did all the liquor in the bar, "It wasn't that bad? No, Nico, I don't think she told you the truth or you wouldn't even dare to claim that. Now, get out before I make you."

Nico inched away from the furious Percy, "Percy, I was sent to bring you back. Don't make me fight you." Percy laughed mirthlessly, "Nico, we both know that on your best day you are nowhere near good enough to challenge me at my weakest, let alone when I am pissed. You do remember what happened to the last person who tried that, right?" Nico paled, which was a sight to see in the already pale teen, "Yes, I remember. It is kind of hard to forget." Percy waved his hand dismissively, "Then go. If you really want to help get me some of D's special reserves."

With a sigh, Nico melted back into the shadows, leaving a few bills on the bar which Percy grabbed and stuffed in his pocket. When the bartender returned, Percy shrugged, "He just walked out the door." The bartender scowled but nodded just as a scared man ran through the door, "John, a portal opened up above Stark Tower! Aliens are invading New York!" Percy blinked, well, it turned out he was wrong. Returning to his drink, he ignored it. None of his business. The bartender tried to usher everyone out of the bar, but Percy sent him a withering glare, "If you want to leave, go ahead. I am fine right where I am."

Not caring enough about it to risk his life, the bartender fled. Percy grabbed a handful of bottles and move to a booth, kicking his feet up. Now he could just relax. An explosion ripped the building apart and shredded his shirt, the shrapnel bouncing off his skin. Percy scowled, now it was personal. He had some aliens to kill.

Hawkeye, or Clint Barton to those who knew him personally, was having a mixed day. It was kind of bad because he had started it off being mind controlled. It was also kind of awesome because now he was getting to shoot aliens with arrows. God, he loved his job. He was taking note of a change in the movements of the aliens below and noticed that a huge group of aliens was gathering off to his left. He got on comms and informed the team, "Uh, guys, we might have a problem here. There is a giant group of aliens gathering in Murray Hill." The voice of Tony Stark came over the comms, "How many are giant?" Hawkeye shrugged, shooting off another explosive arrow, "I don't know, I would say about 10 to 15 thousand."

Captain America's voice swore a way you know it was very serious since the guy almost never swore and always admonished them for doing so, "Shit. There is no way any one of us can take care of that many and no two of us can be spared at the moment. Who is free?" Stark spoke up, "I just disposed of one of the motherships, so I will go. I'll buy some time till backup comes. Wish me luck."

Tony Stark was having a mixed day. It as bad because Coulson died and, despite his teasing of the man, he was quite fond of him. But it was awesome because he was getting to kill aliens. Who doesn't want to do that? Of course, it was getting worse now that he had to go try to hold off a veritable army of high tech aliens by himself, but the woes of being a superhero. He was flying towards the army when something struck him as odd and had Jarvis enhance and zoom in. He noticed a bar explode. It wasn't the explosion that struck him as odd, it was the fact that the army of aliens seemed to be targeting the bar specifically. Just then a shirtless man burst from the bar, seemingly unharmed, and charged the aliens unarmed.

Tony cursed, "Damn it, we have an unarmed civilian charging the aliens head-on. What do I do?" Cap sighed, "Get him out of there as quick as possible and then deal with the others." Tony was just about to do that when he heard the man yell, "Come and get me you Pasty Alien Mutherfuckers!" Tony chuckled as he swooped down to grab the man, just as sid man grabbed the first alien and ripped in if half. Taking one arm of the upper torso, the man ripped them off as well and began to use them as clubs. Al while smiling wildly and shouting, "Is this all you sent for me, you fuck brained assholes? Step right up and prepare to die!" The sight of a civilian beating an army of aliens to death with the arms of one of the said aliens caused Tony to pause in shock. The man grinned wildly, "BOHICA, boys! BOHICA!" The man threw the arms like a pair of missiles before grabbing one of the alien staffs and wading through the army like it was nothing. It was not lost on Tony that the enemies attacks were bouncing off him like nothing. Or that he had never stopped yelling, "All I wanted was to have a nice drink in peace. You couldn't let me have that, could you? Fine, I guess fucking up a bunch of alien pussies isn't half bad. Bend over, boys! Who's first?"

Jarvis decided to speak up, "Sir, are you going to assist the young man or just listen to his foul mouth ranting?" Tony didn't even register the question as one of the bolt attacks from the aliens hit the man in the balls. He didn't register it, but he did scowl, "Is that how you want to play it? Fine, let's go for some nut shots! Hold on to the pigeon eggs boys, it's time for some golf." He stuck out his hand and a gold club made out of earth appeared in his hand. He got into a stance and swung, yelling, "Four!"

The golf club hit the alien right in the balls, and it exploded into a fine red mist. The man yawned, "This is boring. Don't take it personally, I mean the street as well. It needs something. I am thinking….I don't know….I got it….SPIKES!" The man cackled insanely and stomped one foot on the ground. Thousands of spikes jutted out of the ground and impaled the aliens from the fork of their legs to the tops of their heads. The man groaned, "Still bored. Let's surf!" He snapped his fingers and a large part of the east river responded, making a large wave, "Here we go. Hang ten, dude!" And with that, the insane man surfed down the road, drowning the rest of the aliens as he did so and he playfully called out, "Here, piggies, piggies, piggies. The big bad wolf is coming for ya. I'll huff and puff and blow your GODDAMN BRAINS OUT YOU SHIT HEAD MOTHERFUCKERS! COME AND MEET YOUR DOOM!"

Tony snapped out of his shock and coughed, "Uh, all clear here. No aliens in Murray Hill." Cap sounded impressed, "Great Job, Stark. How did you handle them?" Tony sighed, "I didn't. That civilian I told you about? Turns out he is an crazy powerful insane man they pissed off. He killed them all and is now surfing around the city on a large part of the East River looking for more aliens to kill." Thor scoffed, "Man of Iron, now is not the time for jokes. Focus on the battle." All of a sudden, a absolutely insane voice was heard over comms, "This one's for you, chicken boy! A shout out to my Main Man Carter! While nothing compared to mine, his skills aren't poultry. Get it? Chicken boy, poultry? FUCK YOU, ALIENS! NO SENSES OF HUMOR!"

Black widow groaned, "As much as I would like to say Tony is lying, I have a certifiably insane man in the middle of what looks like a giant chicken headed man made out of water jumping on aliens like a kid jumping in puddles. Scratch that, he is now moonwalking. Now he is doing the Charleston. He has moved on to doing cartwheels down the street while singing The Wheels on the Bus. Where the Hell did you find this guy, Tony?" Tony chuckled, "They blew up the bar he was drinking in. Sounds like our guy." Thor's laugh boomed over the comms, "I say, it does seem we have a new ally on our side and a berserker nonetheless. Fortune has smiled on us this day. To find such a skilled warrior in this place with a power combat avatar as this is quite fun. TO BATTLE!" Hawkeye cursed, "What am I doing here? We have gods, berserkers and green giants. I'm just a guy with a bow."

All of a sudden, the insane man stopped fighting and looked to where Hawkeye was, and he whispered quietly. Bizarrely, Hawkeye was able to hear it plainly, "Did you just say, gods? Is there a god here?" In the blink of an eye, the man was at Clint's neck, "Who is it? What god is here?" Clint choked out, "Thor and Loki. Loki is in charge of the army and Thor is fighting it." The man let go of him, "Norse then? OK, see you!" The man jumped off the building and back into the fight, yelling loud enough to be heard on comms, "Hey Thor, Magnus says Hello! Also, try not to lose that hammer again, OK?"

An embarrassed cough was heard over comms, "That was several years ago. It is not my fault the wedding gag wouldn't work again. Young Magnus did a good job of retrieving it. I never quite understood why he didn't take the goats I offered him. Who doesn't want a pair of immortal talking goats following them around for the rest of eternity?" Cap yelled, "Forget about the goats! We need to shut that portal down!" Just then a yell of 'OOH Shiny! MINE!' was heard and the portal machine exploded, closing the portal. Cap sighed tiredly, "That solves that. Let's finish up here." Before they could, a voice identifiable as Nick Fury interrupted them, "The council has launched a Nuclear Missile at Manhattan. Does anyone copy?" Everyone that understood what that meant paled as they tried to figure out what to do.

Turns out, they needn't have worried. THey heard the now infamous voice of their berserker yell, "I CLAIM THAT THINGY IN THE NAME OF ME! MINE!" The man jumped off the top of Stark Tower and towards the approaching Nuke. No one knew what to expect, but for him to open his mouth and swallow it whole was definitely not it. A boom was heard and they saw his stomach bulge slightly. He burped, "Spicy. I like it. Can I have more?" Al, the Avengers gathered at the base of Stark Tower. Tony was the first to speak, "OK, did that guy just swallow a nuclear missile and break a barrier of pure energy like it was nothing?" Banner, who was no longer the hulk, nodded, "Yes. It shouldn't be possible, but yes." Thor laughed, "Yes, our new friend is capable of many things. I cannot wait to bring him back to Asgard for drinks and revelry." A few shudders ran through some in fear of what he might do.

They were just about to go deal with Loki when they heard, "SHINY HAT! I WANT IT! GIVE MEEEEEEEE!" Several feminine shrieks later and a beaten, bruised and obviously traumatized Loki hit the ground in front of the Avengers, sans his signature helmet. Suddenly, the insane man himself jumped from the tower and landed on Loki, causing the already hurt man to pass out. In the man's head was Loki's helmet, in his hand was Loki's scepter and in the other was the Tesseract. Thor stuck out his hand, "Friend, give us the scepter and the Tesseract. You may keep the helmet." The man shook his head, "I don't want to." Thor smiled, "I am sorry, but both of those are incredibly powerful weapons. I need to contain them." The insane man looked at them carefully, "Are they really that powerful?" Thor nodded, "The Tesseract is one of the six strongest items in the universe and the scepter is quite formidable as well"

The man grinned wildly, "Awesome!" And without further ado, he swallowed the Tesseract and Scepter whole. Thor looked at the man in shock and Cap sighed, "This might be a problem." Far off in space, on an asteroid, a giant humanoid in a floating chair listened to the report of his invasion in shock. In slack-jawed disbelief, he stared at his minion, "He did what?" The minion had the decency to look sheepish, "He swallowed to Infinity Stones, Lord Thanos. I do not know how else to put it." Thanos banged his head against the back of his throne, "For all the outcomes I thought of, this was not one of them. I will deal with him myself." Thanos stepped off his throne, only to collapse and crush his mouthpiece. Sighing aggravatedly, Thanos banged his head against the ground, "I will deal with him myself. Just as soon as my legs wake up. I knew I shouldn't have sat in that chair for so long."


End file.
